A post for Grace Community Church, Grace 14:18 Ministry:
A Journey to Joy, 1993-2003—this was the title of the large pink scrapbook that instantly made my eyes well up like the stormy April clouds outside. Sitting in Starbucks, Nancy Deems took me through her journey to joy. Hardly knowing my name, she became transparent and vulnerable through her heart-warming book that she created 11 years ago. I could immediately tell this wasn’t just any scrapbook, but one of pain, healing, and triumph– one of true joy, written from God’s heart through hers.“Our adoption story began when our infertility story ended,” she explained. That infertility story includes 10 years of infertility, a try at Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), four rounds of In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF), and two unsuccessful pregnancies. The story includes sorrow, pain, doubt, shame, loneliness, and many tears. It includes questions like: Why me? Can you hear me, God…did you forget me? Why her and not me? When is it our turn? Is this even worth it?
Some of you reading this may resonate. You may resonate because a friend or family member has gone through infertility, and you carried that weight with them. Maybe you resonate because this was your own story written many years back as well. Or perhaps you resonate because these questions were asked for the umpteenth time last night, and these feelings are present right now. Please know that you are not alone. Nancy’s story is proof.
Glenn Deems tied the knot with her in 1986 while she was finishing up her Bachelor’s degree in Math and Computer Science, and he was working in youth ministry. Nancy had her life plan figured out: graduate college, work as many years as she went to school, have babies. We know now that God had a different plan. They began trying to get pregnant when she was 28 years old, and then did not ask her doctor until she was 36 years old what was going wrong. She and Glenn were both Christians, trusted God, and thought they were doing everything right—so why wasn’t anything happening?
While lying flat on a bed during her last egg transfer, God used a woman lying down in the bed next to her to plant a seed. The woman spoke with hope saying, “If this doesn’t work, I am done. My husband and I have completed our home study and we are in the process of adopting.” Nancy didn’t think much of it at the time, but it stuck with her. After this last failed treatment, God again came into her pain by using a nurse to ask her a challenging question: “Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a parent?” Both Glenn and Nancy knew their answer.
Sarah and Rachael, 2-year-old twins, came home with Glenn and Nancy from Tula, Russia in 2003. Glenn was 44 and Nancy turned 40 the month they brought their new daughters home. Nancy shared, “God really does have a sense of humor, because from the day we came home, if you didn’t know my children were adopted, you wouldn’t. We would smile when strangers would say one looked like Glenn and the other like me.”
A journey to joy– the joy of motherhood. The large pink scrapbook held pictures, cards, notes, and journal accounts of Nancy and Glenn during their journey through infertility, pain, loss, hope, and adoption. The book concluded with pictures of the sweetest little girls finding their forever home in Nancy and Glenn’s arms.
Below are interview questions answered by Nancy:
How did you grow individually and/or as a couple through your adoption experience?
A journey to joy– the joy of motherhood. The large pink scrapbook held pictures, cards, notes, and journal accounts of Nancy and Glenn during their journey through infertility, pain, loss, hope, and adoption. The book concluded with pictures of the sweetest little girls finding their forever home in Nancy and Glenn’s arms.
Below are interview questions answered by Nancy:
How did you grow individually and/or as a couple through your adoption experience?
In the years leading up to our adoption journey our marriage had survived some of life’s difficult times: losing a parent, grandparent, moving, changing jobs and unsuccessful IVF. Had we not had a strong marriage commitment and strong Christian faith, I don’t know if our marriage would’ve survived.
By the time we’d agreed to adopt internationally, the process itself helps you grow together because you go through a very thorough process knowing at the end a baby IS coming home, not just a chance of a baby. It’s a little like pregnancy but with one perk– you can request boy or girl, or more than one, but there’s still that surprise when you get the referral call and see for the first time this child who could one day be yours.
By the time we’d agreed to adopt internationally, the process itself helps you grow together because you go through a very thorough process knowing at the end a baby IS coming home, not just a chance of a baby. It’s a little like pregnancy but with one perk– you can request boy or girl, or more than one, but there’s still that surprise when you get the referral call and see for the first time this child who could one day be yours.
Did you have any “side by side” experiences of another person or couple that prayed with or encouraged you?
Glenn and I led a married couple’s small group for a few years and they were always supportive through the various infertility treatments, and through the adoption process. Even though our small group was there for us, I felt so isolated in my deep despair with every passing failure. I would wear the canned smile for everyone to see but I felt forgotten by God and so sad.
During the adoption process, the “side by side” interactions were more positive because there were milestones along the way to encourage us in that we were one step closer.
Glenn and I led a married couple’s small group for a few years and they were always supportive through the various infertility treatments, and through the adoption process. Even though our small group was there for us, I felt so isolated in my deep despair with every passing failure. I would wear the canned smile for everyone to see but I felt forgotten by God and so sad.
During the adoption process, the “side by side” interactions were more positive because there were milestones along the way to encourage us in that we were one step closer.
What sustained you as you waited? Since your children came home?
I’ve rarely admitted in public how short our wait time was, because I was sensitive to the setbacks and long wait times of others. We have a great waiting parents group through our adoption agency, some of whom we still keep in touch with. I joined CAMOM (Columbia Area Mother of Multiples) and MOPS [now Moms Together] at Chapelgate, and they provided all the support a new mom could ever want. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the dads. I always felt like Glenn’s challenges were a bit different than mine because there were months of attachment issues and I know that hurt him some days. Glenn felt like there was nothing for him concerning support.
I’ve rarely admitted in public how short our wait time was, because I was sensitive to the setbacks and long wait times of others. We have a great waiting parents group through our adoption agency, some of whom we still keep in touch with. I joined CAMOM (Columbia Area Mother of Multiples) and MOPS [now Moms Together] at Chapelgate, and they provided all the support a new mom could ever want. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the dads. I always felt like Glenn’s challenges were a bit different than mine because there were months of attachment issues and I know that hurt him some days. Glenn felt like there was nothing for him concerning support.
What are your hopes for the Adoption Ministry at Grace? The role you would like to play?
My hopes for this ministry is that it would be more than just a one Sunday a year event, Orphan Sunday, but that we could provide a network of support for the various stages of the process. The number one role that I would like to play is to be the “side by side” for the woman who is going through infertility. I know those emotional roller coaster months, whether you’re just taking your temperature every day, if you’re investing every resource in IVF for the 15 percent chance of having a baby, enduring daily blood draws and self-injections, dosage calls, egg retrieval, egg transfer, progesterone shots, waiting and failing. I know what it’s like to have your bathroom feel like a pharmacy, and if you want to call I will talk to you. If you feel like you’re wasting another $10,000, I understand and I get it. I wish I had a friend like that when I was going through it, but I didn’t, so I will be one. That’s who I want to be “side by side” with.
Also, for the woman who’s considering adoption and asking all the questions – domestic or foreign, where will we get the money, and all the endless paperwork and approvals and waiting – I want to give hope to those women. No one could have told me 15-20 years ago that God would take my greatest sorrow, greatest regret, greatest valley and use it to share hope and ultimately my journey to joy in being a mom.
–Laura Douglass, GraceKids Intern: https://gcconline.org/a-journey-to-joy/
My hopes for this ministry is that it would be more than just a one Sunday a year event, Orphan Sunday, but that we could provide a network of support for the various stages of the process. The number one role that I would like to play is to be the “side by side” for the woman who is going through infertility. I know those emotional roller coaster months, whether you’re just taking your temperature every day, if you’re investing every resource in IVF for the 15 percent chance of having a baby, enduring daily blood draws and self-injections, dosage calls, egg retrieval, egg transfer, progesterone shots, waiting and failing. I know what it’s like to have your bathroom feel like a pharmacy, and if you want to call I will talk to you. If you feel like you’re wasting another $10,000, I understand and I get it. I wish I had a friend like that when I was going through it, but I didn’t, so I will be one. That’s who I want to be “side by side” with.
Also, for the woman who’s considering adoption and asking all the questions – domestic or foreign, where will we get the money, and all the endless paperwork and approvals and waiting – I want to give hope to those women. No one could have told me 15-20 years ago that God would take my greatest sorrow, greatest regret, greatest valley and use it to share hope and ultimately my journey to joy in being a mom.
–Laura Douglass, GraceKids Intern: https://gcconline.org/a-journey-to-joy/
